Monday, 5 December 2011

The Burger's Priest

1636 Queen Street East

All right-- no beating around the bush. I'm just going to come right out and say it. No beating around the bush like some greenhorn Boy Scout out on his first snipe hunt, standing in his shorts holding the burlap snipe bag with one hand while scratching his poison ivy rash with the other while dew glistens on the grass as the early morning sun comes cresting up over the hill, roosters crowing on fenceposts overlooking thousands of acres of Genetically Modified Wheat, dusted with pesticides and spliced with all different kinds of DNA-- "Tiger DNA? Whose bright idea was it to splice the wheat with Tiger DNA?" Junior Scientist Simmons raises his hand. "That would be me, sir. I was thinking we could give the wheat some stripes, make it more fashionable. We could corner the market on Fashion Wheat." Alas, the catwalks of Europe were not quite ready to be stormed by giant mobile stalks of tiger-striped wheat, sashaying forward twirling their roots like tassels-- especially not after the Tiger Wheat became enraged by the photographers' flashbulks and ran amuck, attacking the fashion crowd before Karl Lagerfeld beat back the wheat with one of his trademark leather jackets. Leather is indeed a versatile material but it is by no means the best part of the cow and definitely not the tastiest, even if you're a Charlie Chaplin hobo sitting down for a down-to-your-last dollar boot banquet. No, you need to rustle up some bucks, hunt beneath your sofa cushions for some spare change, go out and sell blood plasma if you have to because you will need the cash to go to the East Side of Toronto and head for The Burger's Priest and order The Best Burger In Toronto.

Yep, it's true. Old news by now due to my glacial-style blogging pace but for those of you who haven't salivated at the sight of The Burger Priest's fresh-ground patties sizzling away on the flattop grill I have but one word for you: GO! Go now! Deceptively simple (no truffle oil infused nonsense here), incredibly fresh and astoundingly delicious California-style cheeseburgers are what's on offer. I usually get the Double Double, just called the 'Double' last time I was there-- did Tim Horton's threaten legal action? Were folks getting confused? "Let's see, I want two creams and two sugars on my burger. That's a Double Double, right?" WRONG! It's two perfectly-grilled patties and two pieces of American Cheese.

There's a secret menu for those in the know. You can order things like the Vatican City, which is a Double Double with two grilled cheese sandwiches for buns. Or the Pope Burger, which is a Double Double plus an Option-- the Option is the Burger Priest's veggie burger, which is a giant mushroom stuffed with cheese, breaded and deep-fried. Speaking of deep-fried, the fries at The Burger's Priest are delicious as well.

The only downside to The Burger's Priest is there is no seating in this tiny takeaway. There are four stools and in the olden days (last year) it was possible to perch and eat, scarfing down all that delicious grease but nowadays there are signs stating "These Stools Are For Waiting Only! Don't Eat Here!" Or other stern words to that effect. BUT WAIT! There's going to be a second location! Yes, the Yonge & Lawrence location will have 16 seats. No more standing in the parking lot! And oh, look, my dreams might be answered. The new location might have ONION RINGS.

So what does all this mean for The Burger Quest? Well, I gotta tell ya, The Burger's Priest has really put a damper on The Quest. Every time I think about getting a burger, I head down to The Burger's Priest. Why take a chance on a possibly mediocre burger when I know what's waiting for me at the end of the burger rainbow? There are still plenty of burger joints in Toronto I haven't hit yet-- The Stockyards, I'm looking at you-- but man, right now I believe I have found Burger Perfection. Is it Texas-Style? Can a burger be both California Style and Texas Style? I'll save that debate for another day. And now, if you'll excuse me, The Priest awaits.